Something is missing

I start to wonder why I decided to quit my jobs, sell my car, get rid of my insurance, sell all my furniture and box up all my belongings I left behind. I left my home where I grew up and all my friends that were genuinely special people I miss so much. I left behind my 20 years in California. The only thing I have left is memories and some photographs on my lap top. I think about home all the time. Especially when I see how things are so different here in Rome. I will never look at California the same. It's funny how you take things for granted when you live in a bubble and you don't realize how good you had it till you leave or it's gone. People really don't have a clue what goes on in other parts of the world. Even though I am staying in a paradise I can't help but miss my home and really appreciate where I came from. We are so blessed to live in such a beautiful state and city( Newport Beach, CA). Life is not just about what kind of car you are driving, how much money you are making, what condo/ apartment/ house you are living in, the grocery store you shop at, the clothes you wear, the places you shop or eat at, and the nail/ hair/ tanning salon you go to. Life has a lot more meaning then dollar signs. Back in newport I cared so much about how much money I made so I could keep up with everyone else. I wanted my nails done every week, I wanted to stay fit, I wanted the latest fashions, a glowing tan, the best makeup, and my hair done everyday. I cared so much about what people thought of me, the car I was driving, the phone I was talking on, my wallet in my designer bag, and the scent of my expensive perfume, even the jewelry I careful matched with my outfits I hardly wore more than once. You lose sight of what really matters when you get sucked into such a beautiful city. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with staying healthy and fit and dressing nice. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having expensive taste as long as you are living within means. To each is one. But when you are constantly chasing after something to fill a void. I promise you no material things will ever truly make you happy. This goes for drugs and alcohol as well. Maybe for a brief moment feeling numb or happy you got a new outfit, new video game, sound system etc.. but in the long run, whatever you are trying to fill won't be filled with the worth of material objects or the feeling of being high. It took myself thousands of dollars to realize that. I definitely had it good, still do. I'm starting to feel sorry I took so many things and people for granted. It's all a learning experience and I have so much desire to do many things over. But there is nothing I can do to change the past except wake up to a new day and do my best. Selling my car and my everything was not the smartest thing to do. But!!! I have a clean slate, and once all my little adventure is all finished I can go which ever direction I desire to go. NY, San Fran, LA or back to Newport. Back to college, back to the salon, or ready to start my own business. I don't know what I want to do with my life right now. I don't know where I will live or if I can even buy a new car. I don't know if I will even get a job. I don't have a clue. I'm definitely stressing out about what I am doing with myself. My moods are so up and down and I can't help but feel regret then have a burst of excitement because I'm on an amazing adventure. I hope things work out. I hope I can stay optimistic. I hope I can discover who I am and find my path or be lead in the right direction. A little lost? Yes!! Even in the streets of Rome. I'm on to a new chapter and closing this one. For all of you following my blog. I want you guys to know that anything is possible as long as you make it happen and have faith that everything will work. Just be wise about things. Running away from something isn't going to solve a problem, I promise! When you only have one life to live, you shouldn't take the people around you for granted. Every person you encounter some how impacts your life. The ones that really make a difference are the ones you are willing to enter into your life. Have faith. 

When your searching for something.. It might already be there in your presence, waiting for you. 

Ignoring signs

Rome: Beautiful city, Expensive city, the most CONFUSING city!!! Where do I start? First of all I am all alone at this point. I don't speak italian and my spanish is terrible. I feel a little misplaced and completely lost all the time. I'm doing my best to keep my chin up and staying positive. My problem is I think situations out and try and solve them before they even happen. I seem to come up with a scenario for everything. Except I assume the worst ending. The night I arrived I was walking on a dream. I dreamed about cobble stone roads, tall white rustic buildings with plants dripping over the tops, double shuttered windows and little italian restaurants that were softly lit with candle light. So here I am in real life. The little tiny art shops tucked away and the history that is exposed on every corner is absolutely stunning.
         People here move a lot slower and everything is really dragged out. Streets smell like pasta and I would have to say that every other window is filled with italian food. It's a beautiful city but it's every man for themselves. The laws here are bended and it sometimes feels like it is on the borderline of a third world country (in the bad areas). When you drive around there are no lanes, no speed limits and really no rules. People cut each other off, swear at each other and try to get somewhere as quickly as possible. Nine out of ten cars  are itty-bitty (smart cars). So cute! Which is probably the "smartest" idea because parking is impossible. I've noticed if your car doesn't have a ding, dent, scratch your probably one of the best drivers in Rome. I won't dare step foot behind the wheel otherwise I'm afraid all of you would be attending my funeral. Enough about that. The food! How amazing it is. Unfortunately I can't really read the menu's because I don't speak italian except for pasta and pizza. But if you love italian food.. you are in italian heaven. Let me explain to you how the italians work. People that work open at the strangest times and close down for lunch for about two hours everyday. I never believed it when I read about it in spanish history books, but it's true! How cool is that? They stay open later then London to say the least. But when it comes to the night life and going out, the italians know how to do it. (I think this is how they do it...) You start with dinner around 9 and go out around midnight and you can either bar hop or go to the best clubs around and dance till 5 in the morning. That's about time when the sky gets lighter and ready for the sun to come up. People either walk home or wait to grab breakfast (which is past, pizza or mozzarella cheese) then find their way home and sleep till 2 to 3 in the afternoon. Technically that would be on California time. Are you ready for a taste of Rome now? haha People here are definitely hustlers. I really haven't seen any gypsies tho. Probably because I'm too distracted by the beautiful city. People keep telling me to always have your belongings close to you. So I have my little purse right by me while I'm ready to see more of beautiful Rome!
             The only difficult thing is that the prices can be absurd even with the exchange rate working in our (americans) favor. You pay so much for so little. Transportation here is a nightmare for me. I really wish I spoke italian :( I'm sure you will have better luck then me trying to find your way around. I almost gave myself a premature heart attack when I got lost for the first time. I'm afraid If I return to the states no one is going to recognize me because I'll be aged from stress and too much night life (sarcasm). Let's hope for the best.
           This city is going to take a lot to understand. And I think I am going to have to really try my best to adapt to this beautiful culture. I hit a few ruff spots but I'm here right now still in paradise so that must mean I am doing something right, right?

On My Way To ROMA

Well it's all up to me now. Time to pack up the 80 lb luggage and make my way towards Rome. My flight won't depart until about 5pm. So that means I need to be in a cab on my way to the victoria train station by 12:30 or 1:00. Only because I am alone I decided to leave at 12:30. I never knew how difficult traveling is. It's really stressful and scary.. especially when you are all alone. I hailed a cab (becoming one of my favorite things to do) and was on my way to the London Victoria Train station. Okay so 15 £ later I'm trying to find the Gatwick express which goes straight to the Gatwick airport where my plane will be departing.  Another 17 £ later I'm sitting on the express, hoping I'm on the right one, going in the right direction.. enjoying the beautiful scenery. I'm going to miss London. I have to say with all those crazy businessmen running around bulldosing me over, kind of grew on me in the week spent there. It's really neat sitting and looking at all the back of the houses and little farms and car factories. It totally reminds me of Billy Elliot. Was that movie based in London? I'm not sure but it was definitely gloomy enough to be. At last here I am at Gatwick ariport. Now to check my bag. Do I dread this part? Yes!! 200 £.. ouch! Why oh why did I pack so much! That's it. The moment I land in Rome and get situated I am going to make sure If I travel from here on out I am going to ditch that bloody suitcase and get a small one, ship back what I don't want and make way with my life so I'm not shredding money. I feel like sometimes I am an animal having to try and jump the next hurtle or find my way thru the complicated maze. As the men in front of me waved me thru, one stopped me to remind me that no lipgloss tubes are allowed to be lose. Of course I had one lose so I stopped for a minute to open my little paul frank makeup case. "Do I need to baggie my mase?" I said casuallly like it was nothing different then a lipgloss tube. The poor guys eyes bugged out and slapped my hand. I really didn't understand. But he then explained in a whisper,"mam, please quickly go to the bin and dump that as quickly as possible." Maybe that was more of a direction than expanation. Anyway I did and when I returned he told me if I were caught with mase I would be taken away to security because a mase is equivalent to a fire arm. HAHA People here are very paranoid and very interesting.  So here I am 2 hours early. Lucky me! I get to sit and wait to find which gate I need to board. All boarding terminals take about 20 minutes of walking distance. Oh the joy of traveling. How I long to be in Rome right about now.  I thought I would tag you along with this entry as I have lot's of time to kill. ----------------------------------------------------------------The announcer alerted the Rome flight and I about had a heart attack. I sprinted to the screen thinking I had missed my flight! My heart still feels like it wants to jump out of my chest. At least now I am right in front of the screen and now I get to stare at a 40 minute delay!! Well it is almost time and there is so much ahead to look forward to. But I'm not going to spill to all of you until I get there. I have about 15 countries I would love to go to and we all know that only half is realistic. But you never know. I'm excited to share with you what this journey has to offer. People say it will be life changing, some say it will be a disaster. Either way I'm sitting in this airport alone, jobless, no car, no home, no medical insurance, with only my laptop, camera, and my 80lb luggage and a little cash in the bank. I have nothing but my future. A clean slate? yes! I hope this inspires you all to take your leap of faith and do what you want to do. Follow your dreams. You can't lose anything that has already been lost. And when it gets down to it. Anything is possible. Just have faith. 

I'm a big girl now

After one full day of touring all of London the previous day, I built up the courage to go out on my own. I started off my day with a 2 hours run all around hyde park. Stunning darling... absolutely stunning! I blasted my ipod to the lovely Phoenix and little boots! I squeezed in electric feel on the way back and I got tingling jolts of excitement for Roma tomorrow! Before I fast forward I need to rewind and tell you about my scenic day today. I've never felt so much peace in my life running by all the beautiful gardens. Unfortunately I got  jolted back into reality when I have to dodge people running, walking or moving my way. I have to remind myself that Everything is almost opposite here. When you pass people you pass them on the left. Try and keep that in mind so you don't do an awkward "which way should I go?" dance. I find it funny, others do not. But anyways I kept wanting to go but my legs did not. So I hurried back to the flat to shower and make my way out. I felt like I was almost stalling for a little while because I was so nervous leaving the headquarters. But I took a deep breath and ran down the stairs and hurried out the door to the tube station. Here I am trying to act like I know what I am doing and where I am going so I can get rid of that haunting tourist sign stamped on my forehead. I assured myself I am going to be okay. Today I decided to go to Piccadilly Circus and walk my way from there and cross my fingers I find a tube station entrance. Right when I started to walk underground to catch the tube I couldn't help but doubt myself here and there. I felt like I should have a camera crew following me because I probably made so many facial expressions and the rushing wind from the tube was just an plus to my make-believe movie crew. I jumped on the tube, put on my headphone (like everyone else does- since I could not find a paper to read) and waited for my stop. Finally I'm here! Let the adventure begin. Maybe before I left I should have came up with a plan of attack before heading out. I didn't know where anything was and I didn't plan on going to see anything so I just wandered aimlessly. Every ally I walked down that all of a sudden became quite and I could only hear one pair of footsteps behind me... I intentionally sped up and turned down the next street as quick as possible. I started to panic when I forgot my mace. (This is where I find humor in myself... running away from footstep in broad daylight in a big city- Thanks mom!) At lass I found a whole foods!! I was dying for a Kombucha. For all of you who don't know what that drink is.. please look it up and try one. When ever you are in need of a cure from a hangover... here is your answer. Just my luck, they didn't have one so I settled from some organic vegan food, sat down and enjoyed the streets of Soho. What's my favorite thing to do? PEOPLE WATCH! I started to think what it would be like to live alone in London- Would I be okay? Would I make friends? Would people like me? Would I fit in with my style sense? Could I be a hairdresser here? The idea tickles me here and there. Before I set my mind up, I'm going to leave the door open till I find my home. Hours of running, walking, riding, and following the streets in London, concluding in my fantasy of becoming plus one to the modernized, americanized, fashion statement city. I love you London and I'm going to miss you for the time being. I will return... I promise!

Operation New Destination

I am lucky enough to know people that know people here in London. I was desperate to go off on my own after two days with my honeymooner couple. I itched to wander around and take photos and get lost and find my way back. After waking up to being completely alone I decided I needed to make my way to a new destination. Thanks to M, my savior I found a new home for the time being. It took about half an hour of descriptive directions and about 3 maps on how to figure out the tube. So here I go packing up my 80 lb luggage and preparing my mini journey to kensington. Again with no phone, a mini guide of the tube, an address and one phone number. I trucked to the nearest tube station while taking breaks at every corner. I had no guide just memory of where I've been the day before. I really thought about ditching my luggage not because I felt like my arms were going to fall off, and my hands started to callas, oh and the jabbing pain in the side of leg thanks to the pulling handle. Because I felt eyes burning on me like I was wearing a sign that shouted "TOURIST". I tried my best to just smile at everyone and to keep my mouth shut and make my way thru the crowds. It took only two transitions to finally reach my destination. Now to walk or not to walk. I hailed a cab... without hesitation. M wasn't going to home till around 7 and it was 10 till 7. It's took about 3 trips up and down the street to finally decided to jump out and try and find it on my own. The cab man offered to call for me and unfortunately there wasn't an answer. So I thanked the man and he wished me the best. Which has been exchanged more than once with me. I don't know why people are wishing me my best. It's like they know what I am doing. I wonder... Anyways I made it to the beautiful flat and was it oh so sweet. Finally... Welcome to London!!! First thing is first the night was young and we all had the same idea.. London clubs and stiff drinks. First destination Tiger Tiger. Three words.. shots...trendy beats... and moving feet! (Okay so one over) I have never had so much fun just dancing and dancing. Unfortunately it doesn't matter who you are with or what you are doing.. you are still going to stick out like a sore thumb. People kept asking me where I was from and I kept telling them," I'm from Canada eh!" Trust me that doesn't work. First of all if you are going to tell someone you are from Canada at least do your research and know what city you are from. I failed miserably and I don't think they bought it. Learned my lesson.. buy a map! It was definitely a fun first real night out in London. A taste of the night life! Now more exploring!!

For every crack there's a step

The journey here was so unexpected. I wanted to flag down a cab the moment the cobble stone decided to hate my 80 lb luggage! My body is so sore and being this jet-lagged is the icing on the cake. But after a day of traveling and two days spent, to wake up to a new one is so amazing. Where do I start? ... I've been a shadow for the past couple of days. Not knowing where I am or where I should go has been a little frustrating. To be completely out of your comfort zone with nothing too familiar except for a near by starbucks... is very stressful. For all the moments i wanted to update my twitter, text a friend, or send a picture. I have to remind myself why I decided to shut off my phone. Maybe because I am not willing to pay an ungodly amount to do so. Regardless, I think it's a good thing that I am slowly starting to detach from all that impersonal networking. I am trying my best to describe how it feels to be so out of place but I think it is something you must live to understand. I'm staying in a two level flat in "The Beverly Hills" section of London. Where all the artists, hipsters, and indie people rome. It's straight out of a film. Old street lanterns, slanted hills, right next to a park reserve, artsy shops, and an upper rail transport that leads you to the country side. It's breath taking... and this weather is definitely in my favor. When I look around I feel that the people that aren't trying to bulldose me over are celebrating the sunshine with every fashion trend trying to one up the other. Even tho the speed of things are different, I can't help but laugh at the running suited men. Everything is so relaxed but people are still in a rush to go somewhere. It's completely random and that is why I find humor in it.  No one really cares where you are walking because if you are in their way, they will make their way thru you. No one says thank you or sorry, it's even impossible to make eye contact. But... it's easily ignored when you are starring at Big Ben and the London bridge. Everything has almost sunk in. What an adventure I have ahead of me. But tonight I'm venturing out alone to meet the locals. Four nights left to make the best of this place till it becomes my home.

Jump

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"
But you've got the love I need To see me through

Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough
And things go wrong no matter what I do
Now and then it seems that life is just too much
But you've got the love I need to see me through

When food is gone you are my daily meal
When friends are gone I know my savior's love is real
Your love is real


You've Got the Love (The XX Remix)